


Reach for the Gun

by muaaimoi



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-06-30
Packaged: 2017-12-13 15:21:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/825840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muaaimoi/pseuds/muaaimoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deviates from " The Habitation Configuration". When Sheldon goes to talk to Penny about girls, there's an attempt at armed robbery. Shenny as always.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It happens too fast.

It's almost seamless. One second she's serving Sheldon a Long Island ice tea, because getting him drunk is a guilty pleasure of hers. And the next a shot rings out and they're both crouched under the counter. Sheldon must of vaulted right over Penny realizes dimly, but there's a gun, she knows the sound, there's danger, and everything feels like it's happening to someone else and Penny's just along for the ride.

She looks at the glasses behind the bar. She can barely make out the reflection of the silhouettes of the people holding the restaurant up, but the weapons might as well be glowing to her eyes. Penny grew up on a farm, her grandfather had been a soldier. Her father had taken her hunting with the same handgun he'd gone to war with. And that's not counting the riffles, handguns purchased for house protection, and the dozen others weapons that littered her childhood.

She knows guns, they don't really matter. It's the two people holding them that worry her. She's been to the ER enough times because some idiot got his hands on a gun.

One of Sheldon's hands finds hers and Penny finds the death grip comforting. He's something to worry about that isn't herself.

Penny's heart tries to beat it's way out of her chest, but her breathing stays calm, perfectly even. She thinks she might be in shock. Or maybe some delayed denial reaction, Sheldon would know, but there's so much screaming that Penny knows he wont be able to hear her if she tried to ask. And she really must be in some kind of shock because this is so not the time and Penny shouldn't even be thinking about this at all when there are people shooting guns.

This is the cheesecake factory. Penny's worked here for years. This is not the kind if thing that happens at the cheesecake factory.

A voice starts shouting over the din. Penny knows the noise that the person with the gun is making are words, probably in english even, but she can't understand anything through the pounding of her heartbeat in her ears. Sheldon slowly, carefully begins to move, and Penny follows automatically. Like her brain had already made the decision that she goes where he goes, and her body can only follow.

Sheldon raises his hand, and the one he has trapped in his grip comes with. The people are quiet now, the screaming has stopped and now they're on their feet with their hands in the air.

Penny thinks distantly that it looks like a really messed up party. Everyone's hands up in the air and and stalk still because everybody desperately, desperately cares.

The people throwing what is hands down the worst party Penny has ever attended are dressed like burglars straight out of the movies. Who wears Ski masks in California? These two, apparently. One of them is rail thin, even through the baggy black hoody he has on. Penny's familiar with the trick. The thing is, on druggies; crack heads and heroin addicts, baggy clothes doesn't hide their body shapes so much as emphasize them. The other's broader, those are football shoulders, Penny's slept with enough line men to know them.

But her eyes don't linger on the men. They keep sweeping between the guns. Only the thin one knows what he's doing. He holds it with both hands, aims the gun at the center mass of his targets. The other one holds it one handed, his other hand around a burlap sack. Straight from a script, Penny thinks, he holds the gun like it's a prop.

There's more shouting and everyone throws their cellphones to pile at the thin ones feet. Sheldon fumbles, one handed and Penny squeezes his hand reassuringly. Her own hands are steady as they reach for her pocket. She throws the phone, surprised at the ease with which she takes aim.

She keeps waiting for the fear to come. For her hands to shake, the terror freezing the blood pumping through her. But it doesn't. Instead adrenaline sings through her veins. It's like being in Junior rodeo all over again. Waiting with baited breath for the gun to go off, for the timer to start. It's waiting for action, all acute anticipation.

Somewhere in the back of her mind a plan has already taken shape. She just has to wait for her Que, that one perfect moment when it's right to act.

It's too bad Eduardo doesn't know about the plan.

Instead of waiting sensibly for the thin burglar to turn away, one of the bus boys, Eduardo, tries to be a hero. He tries to tackle the broader guy from far too far away. Penny isn't surprised when the gun goes off again.

For a moment she's twelve years old again, and its drunk uncle Carl on the floor and with blood dripping down his chest.

Sheldon let's go of her hand and drops to his knees. The motion drags Penny back to the present and its Eduardo on the floor, blood stain blooming on his chest, Sheldon's ugly jacket had come off as he reached over to apply pressure on the wound.

At least it's not a terrible loss. It had been one hell of an ugly jacket. And wow, again not the time to think about that kind of thing. The kids just been shot in front of her.

Penny's not terribly fond of Eduardo. She doesn't hate him or anything. It's mostly just jealousy. Eduardo's so young and full of energy, just looking at him is enough to make Penny feel tired sometimes. Older somehow, beaten down by life and clinging desperately to her dreams. It doesn't mean he deserves a bullet wound. It doesn't mean he deserves to die.

The taller thin guy keeps the gun aimed at him. Like one shot might not be enough.

Then he moves the gun, points it at Sheldon instead.

It's unacceptable. Sheldon is not Eduardo. Sheldon is not getting shot.

Penny doesn't think. There isn't a thought process attached to tackling the thin guy. It had been part of the plan, but the plan is different now. She doesn't know the rest of it.

At least the guy goes down when she tackles him. She grew up in the heart lands. Baseball may have been her sport of choice, but she'd grown up playing flag football with everyone else. She knows how to tackle someone to the ground. Penny grabs onto the slider of the gun and wretches it straight out of his hands.

Then she whacks him over the head with the butt of it. Penny rolls away, manages to kick the thin guy in the face in a move that makes her really grateful she got into yoga. He lies still.

Penny scrambles away on her knees, all but jumps to her feet.

There's still the broader guy with the gun. If she's honest, she's surprised she hasn't been shot already.

It's instinct. Years of hunting trips plant her feet evenly, both hands grip the gun, and aims it at the center of his head.

There's no time to think. The other gun is coming up.

Penny takes the shot.

Red spreads wetly over his shoulder, he drops the gun. Falling to his knees.

Sheldon, too close, far far too close, long limb-ed and still applying pressure to Eduardo's wound, has the presence of mind to kick it away.

An older woman makes a grab for it.

A moment of silence follows. All anyone manages to do is breathe.

Then, once the realization that the danger has been averted, a muted cheer goes through the crowd.

It sounds like it's coming from really far away. She feels frozen, staring at the body on the ground. Her eyes feel locked onto the bloody shoulder.

Oh, Penny thinks, I missed.

She has to take her finger off the trigger. Her hands still aren't shaking. She'd almost killed a man.

They should be.


	2. Chapter 2

She doesn't know what she's feeling.

After the adrenalin fades everything seems to blur together. It doesn't stop.

Human emotions are complicated. Penny knows that she's been feeling things all her life, but it doesn't make it any easier to decipher what the tight feeling in her chest means.

She can barely tell if she's feeling too much or barely anything at all.

On some level, there's happiness. She's alive, so is Sheldon, even Eduardo makes it as his tearful mother informs them. Penny and Sheldon will be receiving free Spanish food for the rest of their lives if the woman has anything to say about it.

Everyone is happy.

Amy forgives Sheldon in a heartbeat, Leonard clings to her with naked relief. Howard makes awkward jokes that Bernadette tries not to laugh at, and Raj throws them a superhero themed dinner party.

Sheldon goes as the Flash. Penny wears her cheesecake factory uniform.

It's become iconic; the everyday waitress becoming a heroin.

Her agent is ecstatic. All the publicity is doing wonders for Penny's career. She's doing gum commercials and appearances on talk shows. Penny's even been offered a leading role in a pilot for a sitcom. She should be excited, this is everything she's ever dreamed of. This is everything she came to California for, all the acting classes, the waitressing, the careful, awful shoe budget.

She should be radiating happiness. Ecstatic.

Penny looks at everything that's happening and isn't.

Instead she puts her acting classes to good use and pretends to be over the moon. As far as the rest of the world can see, Penny's fine. Better than fine even. She's great.

No one could ever tell she's still waiting for her hands to start shaking.

Sheldon's perfectly paranoid after. It's expected Sheldon behavior, she doesn't understand why their friends watch him so carefully. They aren't subtle about it either, if Sheldon catches on within the week. He starts seeking refuge at her apartment. They have stilted, careful conversations at first.

Then Sheldon informs her that he is never returning to the cheesecake factory again. Penny tells him she quit. That is all it take's to turn their interactions mostly back to normal. Sheldon isn't as fearful around her as he is with everyone else. Penny knows that in a few weeks everything will be okay again. Like nothing ever happened.

That's not the case with everyone else.

Their friends don't know how to act around Sheldon. Amy especially. They're so very careful around him. It's so stupid. As if he needs the constant reminder. As if either of them will ever forget.

Penny doesn't have the crazy photographic memory thing going on. It doesn't mean she can't recall shooting a man with painful picture perfect clarity.

But she'd missed.

Everything was okay, everything was fine, because she'd aimed at his head, and she'd missed.

He was still alive. Even if he shouldn't be.

Leonard clutches her like a kid with a teddy bear at night. Penny lets him hold her because at least it helps him sleep. She's not so lucky. Penny lies there and tries not to think about how much cover up she has to wear under her eyes. She's full of beauty tips though. And rubbing some coffee grounds under her eyes really does help the bags disappear pretty well.

Penny's used to being tired now a days anyway. She's used to functioning when all she wants to do is sleep.

She's tried taking sleeping pills, but they leave her feeling hollowed out. It's worse than being tired.

It's Amy of all people who catches on that she's not acting exactly the same. Even if she does take the difference to be a good thing when it's not. It's really, really not.

" I have noticed that your ingestion of alcohol has gone down lately. I'm fairly certain that's still the same bottle of wine that has been there the last two weeks. You used to go through one a week. Good for you Penny."

Penny smiles her now somewhat famous waitress smile.

Says," Thanks." And make's a mental note to throw the wine away.

Penny is never getting drunk again.

She had that first night. After the interview, the police statement, getting Leonard to go away and accept that she just needed to not be around people for a while. She'd crawled into bed with two bottles of wine and sobbed her heart out.

When Penny was sober, she could forget. Not very well. Not when so much of her recent success was built around what she had done. At least Penny could focus on the moment though. Pretend the words coming out of her mouth where part of a script instead of something she'd lived.

At night that wasn't the case. But she could try to wrestle her mind away from it. Think about other things, or at least try to. She could even lie to herself about what had really happened.

When she was drunk her muddled mind couldn't escape it. The feeling of the gun in her hands. The way she'd brought her finger down on the trigger. That spit second decision when she had another persons life in her hands and the simple truth that she'd chosen to end it.

She'd aimed at his head. She'd pulled the trigger. He should have been dead.

It didn't matter that he wasn't. Penny was a killer now. She just didn't have a body to show for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So was this angst? Any suggestions? I'm kind of desperate for feed back at this point.


	3. Chapter 3

Sheldon breaks up with Amy.

It hits everyone pretty hard, considering how little it changes. Penny seems to be the only one who had seen it coming. Sheldon would have never been at the cheesecake factory if not for Amy that night. Well, Amy and the whole bit where Penny worked the night shift. It had only been a matter of time before the shock wore off and the anger set in. She's kind of surprised she hadn't been excommunicated.

She's also surprised Amy isn't. She's still invited to all the regularly scheduled activities. They both still want to be friends. Sheldon just declared their relationship contract void. Penny can't see the difference in their relationship, if there even is one. Everyone is making such a big deal out of nothing. Penny doesn't get it.

The Shamy coming to an end just means that Penny has to take some Tylenol in order to tolerate Amy sobbing for a few weeks. The crying aggravates her headache. These days she always has a headache.

Leonard starts clinging even more after that.

Quite the achievement considering he'd been acting like her Siamese twin since the shooting. Every spare moment not claimed by her agent seemed to include Leonard. He'd even constantly interrupted Amy's girl nights of boyfriend slamming. Then again, Leonard loved hearing people rag on Sheldon. He'd actually hijacked a few of the hygiene obsession rants Amy had gone into. Penny had tuned them both out.

Zoning seemed to be coming easier and easier lately. Especially when Leonard wants sex. She can't always beg off, but it's pretty easy to disconnect. She figures out pretty quickly they can have sex while she's on auto-pilot. Penny's a good girlfriend, and she knows Leonard. She just knew he'd become extra needy when she found out her love interest on the sitcom was six four. His height issues where one of Leonard's biggest insecurities. Penny was not looking forward to telling him about their upcoming make up scene. She just doesn't have the energy for it.

Penny barely has enough energy to pretend to function. Mostly she feels hollowed out. Like someone scooped out her insides and replaced everything with cotton. It's like she's become a human rag doll. She has to take it one day at a time, otherwise she'd be going insane. You know, if she isn't already.

The jury is still out on that one.

Then suddenly it's been something like three months and she runs into Eduardo as he's leaving Four B. She'd actually been pretty successful about not thinking about Eduardo. She's completely unprepared for what happens when she sees him.

Her heart stops. Everything does. It all. Just. Stops.

Penny stares at him blankly. She isn't even at the foot of the stairs any longer. She's back at the cheesecake factory and Eduardo is on the floor. He's bleeding, Sheldon is trying to stop it. Penny shoots.

Her hands are steady. She aims, she shoots. He should be dead. He should be dead. She chose to kill him and he should be de-

" PENNY!" Someone shouts and she starts.

It's only then Leonard's arms around her register. They're tight, like steel bars closing in and Penny can't- Penny can't breathe. Her lungs wont work and she just, she can't.

And then she's being torn from Leonard's arms.

"Breathe!" Sheldon commands. His hand is wrapped tight against her wrist. But Leonard is no longer a cage around her and she can manage to suck in a breath. Sheldon's grip is hard enough to hurt, but Penny doesn't mind. She feels light-headed and the pain helps ground her. Keeps her in the present, keeps her focused on Sheldon's voice.

"You are experiencing a panic attack. This is a physiological response your body is suffering. You should be able to control it. I will now attempt to distract your brain so it will stop releasing adrenaline and cortisol in your system as you have no current means to be rid of them. We need to get your breathing steady again..."

Already Sheldon's know it all tone is helping. This is familiar, Sheldon is always droning on about something or another.

"...Dr. Ochberg provides expert guidance to clinicians on handling the dual needs of support and exposure that are essential elements to PTSD treatment today..."

She's breathing fine five minutes into the spiel. Sheldon stops talking, his grip slackens, but he doesn't let go. Penny's sort of stupidly grateful.

" Are you okay?" Eduardo ventures softly.

Penny nods slowly, eyes locked on Sheldon's hand where it's clamped onto her arm. She doesn't want to deal with any of this right now. She's dropped the ball. They know now, they know...she's not okay after all. And she'd been doing so well...

" So I guess this is why you never visited huh?" Eduardo says, sounding self deprecating, and Penny can't help but look up at that.

" She had no way of knowing you would act as a trigger to a panic attack." Sheldon interjected. The jerk.

" Sorry." She mutters. It's not his fault she's this messed up.

" It's cool. You saved my life Penny. You saved everyone in that restaurant. I just wanted to say thank you. And that I will now always have a crush on you because you're amazing." The smile he gives her then... Eduardo always did have a great smile. But the warmth in it, the gratitude. It makes Penny find it in her self to smile back and mean it. It might be the first real smile Penny's managed since she shot a man.

Leonard seems to notice.

The possessive arm he slides around her waist is the same old obsessiveness that appears every time any other guy so much as looks in her direction. She's learned to ignore it over the years, but she can't quite manage it this time. She's just so tired. So exhausted.

Penny can't remember the last time she managed to sleep more than four hours. When Leonard's there, she can't sleep at all.

She steps away. Being near Leonard right now feels way too smothering.

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me." She says, earnest. Leonard's scowling face darkens. Penny can see the fight coming and she can't bring herself to care. The illusion is broken now. They can see the cracks. She can't pretend to be okay. She can't be with Leonard anymore.

They need to break up. She knows she's going to break his heart.

She waits for her heart to give it's usual painful squeeze of sympathy at the thought. There's nothing. She should have known. Penny's been too empty to sympathize with much of anything for a while now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... still angst? Please still be angst?


	4. Chapter 4

Leonard walks right in.

He closes the door behind himself as he follows her inside her apartment. Assuming, as always, that he's welcome. Penny's sure that if her nerves where still in working order, he'd be tap dancing on the last of them.

Penny knows she's not being rational. She has never once told him otherwise. Freedom to come and go from her apartment are one of the few intimacies she's ever allowed Leonard. And even then, it a privilege she'd revoked often when he'd pissed her off. She's been to hollow to be mad lately. Too focused on pretending to be okay. Most of the time the others barely registered on her senses.

Penny feels so distant nowadays. Like she's not actually present most of the time. Her recent panic attack feels like most alert she's been in years. Not the three months it's actually been. She runs her fingertips over the darkening skin on her wrist. Sheldon had bruised her, she'd never thought he had it in him. Sheldon is not someone Penny would think has a strong grip. The proof on her wrist is surprising, but not unwelcome.

It helps remind her. This is why her relationship with Leonard cannot go on. Because Penny is very far from okay and Leonard makes her feel even worse. She can't pretend otherwise any longer.

Leonard sits next to her, wraps an arm around her and frowns when Penny squirms away.

" Sorry." He says with a sheepish smile, then he turns it into this little grin. It's what he usually flashes before they have sex." Are you sure you don't want to? It might make you feel better."

Penny stares at him incredulously."Of course I don't want to! I just had a panic attack Leonard!"

" Sorry, sorry." He says, putting his hands up in surrender. Then he tries the puppy eyes." It's just that you never have time lately. And I miss you."

You miss sex, Penny thinks unkindly. But she's not wrong. And that Leonard is still trying to get her to sleep with him kind of proves her point.

" You never spend time with me anymore! What was the last time we went on a date?" Leonard says. And he sounds indignant. Calculatedly so. It's a tone he's used before.

Three months ago, it would have worked. Penny would have felt bad for ignoring her boyfriend and taken him to bed in order to make up for her neglect. Now? She wonders why she was ever his girlfriend.

" I want to break up." She says.

" What?" Leonard shrieks, shocked.

" I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore." It's the most honest she has been with anyone since the incident.

" What do mean? Penny where is this coming from?" Leonard demands.

I don't know if I ever loved you, Penny thinks. It's too cruel to say. Even in her current state, she can't bring herself to hurt him like that.

" I just can't be in a relationship right now." Penny says. It's not like it isn't true." I'm not in a place where I can date you."

" You can't let one lone panic attack and Sheldon convince you you have PTSD!" Leonard shouts.

" What does Sheldon have to do with anything?" Penny demands.

" You know he's been saying your traumatized for months now!" Leonard exclaims.

" What?" Penny's only slipped this afternoon. There is no way anyone could have known. Especially not Sheldon of all people. The guy can't even understand innuendo.

" Come on Penny! Amy's the neurologist. She says you clearly took a brush with your mortality as motivation. I mean look at you. You've stopped drinking! Your careers looking up. We haven't even fought since it happened. Everything's going so well. I know you've been a little distant lately. But you'll get over it. It sucks that it happened, it's over now. We can get you some counseling! Why are you breaking up with me now?"

For a moment all Penny can do is process. So her friends had noticed something was off after all. All the time, all the effort. All that trying so hard to pretend to be okay. And all it had taken was Amy declaring she was fine for them to buy it. Never mind that they'd seen the cracks. It must of been so much easier to go along with the charade.

Even if Sheldon had argued against it. God, to think Sheldon of all people had been the one to really notice. But she should stop being so surprised by him all the time. Out of everyone she knows, Sheldon is the only person in her life who constantly comes through for her.

Penny laughs. There's nothing like amusement in it at all.

" I don't need counseling Leonard." She says, her voice comes out hoarse. Her throat hurts,the emotion in her chest tightens it painfully. It feels like she's speaking through a knife. What she needs is a time machine. What she needs is to unlearn the true extent of her potential for violence. What she needs is for the incident to have never happened. What she needs is not to know that she's a killer. " What I need is to not be with you right now. Get out."

" But-" Leonard begins to splutter, indignant again.

" Out!" Penny roars, forcing the sound pass the knife in her throat. She has no idea what expression she's wearing, but Leonard looks at her and bows out.

He closes the door behind him and Penny's fiercely glad. She's not sure her knees can support her right now. She feels so raw.

Then Sheldon is knock-knock-knocking on her door and she so doesn't need this right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this is getting harder and harder to write. We are totally approaching the climax tho. So I think this has maybe two chapters left? And that might only be if I do one of those epilogue type things. I guess we'll see.


	5. Chapter 5

" Go away." Penny moans. Her voice is still horse and talking just hurts right now. She's feeling too much as it is. She just wants to pretend she doesn't exist for a while. And something tells her that's not something Sheldon would be willing to let her do.

For a moment there's silence and Penny lets herself hope that for once Sheldon has listened to her and actually left.

" Penny." Sheldon's voice comes through her door, dashing that hope." Please let me offer you my emotional support."

Penny snorts. The sound startles her, but she can't hold back the laugh. The idea of Sheldon providing anyone with emotional support is hilarious. Next thing she knows she's giggling like she's been taking laughing gas. She can't help herself, it's so funny.

" I did not offer my help in jest." Sheldon says sharply through her door. He sounds offended.

Penny laughs harder. It feels good, she can't remember the last time she laughed and meant it. Can't remember the last time she found anything genuinely funny.

" Is your mirth a sign of an improved mental state, or a sign of hysteria?" Sheldon grouches, managing to sound genuinely curious all the while.

For a moment Penny worries that she is having a psychotic episode. But she's pretty sure her braking point wouldn't be finding something Sheldon said funny. She laughs at Sheldon-y things all the time. Or at least she use to. Before everything went to hell. Laughing at Sheldon now feels good, feels like a step in the right direction.

So Penny bursts out laughing all over again because she just realized that Sheldon has made her feel better twice today. And that thought is hysterical.

" The f-first one." Penny manages to call out through her giggling. She's smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. Or maybe she's just out of practice with real smiles. She giggles harder at the thought, as though faking mirth for the last few months is something funny.

" I suppose I'll leave you to it then." Sheldon says, pauses for a moment." But I will be checking up on you in the morning."

Penny's laughter tapers off but she's still smiling too hard, even though the last bit sounded more like a warning than anything else. She finds she doesn't care. Tomorrows her day off anyway. Today has been something suspiciously like a good day. She feels lighter somehow, less burdened. And that gives her hope. Even before the incident, it had been hard to feel hope.

" After eleven!" She calls, remembering the way Sheldon covers his throat whenever he knocks at eleven exactly, and starts giggling again.

When Penny goes to bed that night sleep comes easily. Maybe it's because she's had a long day, maybe her perpetual exhaustion catches up with her. She doesn't know, and she doesn't care. Penny doesn't dream that night. And she is so very grateful.

It's five in the afternoon by the time Penny wakes up, and she stares stupidly at the clock for a while because Sheldon had said he'd check on her at eleven and he is not one to lie. It's hard to get out of bed. Her head feels stuffy, but in a good way. The way you feel when you're finally getting over a cold. All cotton slow and sore, but undeniably just that little bit better.

Penny smiles all through her shower. She briefly wonders where Sheldon is, but dismisses the thought. She'll see him eventually. It won't be for a while since she's gonna give his apartment a wide berth. Breaking up with Leonard really sucks. Things are going to be all awkward again for a really long time. And Sheldon will be all Sheldon-y about it again. She'll probably run into him on the stairs or something.

So naturally she's pretty surprised to find the lanky physicist parked on her couch with his laptop once she gets out of the shower. But it does kind of figure. Sheldon's a man of his word. Of course he's checking up on her. He's probably been there since eleven.

" Hey there." She says, alerting him to her presence.

Sheldon starts slightly, before zeroing in on her presence. "Good afternoon Penny. You have slept significantly longer than the recommended eight hours."

Penny hums her assent, sets about making herself a very late breakfast." I've been pretty tired lately."

" You have not been resting well." Sheldon says. It's clearly a statement, not a question.

" How could you tell?" Penny asked." I'm pretty good at cover up."

" Your milk theft went up by almost two hundred percent." Sheldon said factually." I had to start buying two gallons to compensate for it."

" Figures." Penny says with a laugh. Done in by her inability to drink coffee without milk." Didn't the others believe you?"

"They thought I was exaggerating." Sheldon huffed." Once Amy declared that your decrease in alcohol intake, new found success, and focus in your career meant that you had taken your brush with mortality as a wake up call and that you were embracing a better life, they happily ignored any signs on the contrary. They were even against even looking at my charts and diagrams that clearly showed you were experiencing trauma. It was very illogical of them. And to think they call themselves scientist!"

" So Amy thought the whole shooting thing was good for me?" Penny demands, once the realization sinks in. The rage that hits her at the thought leaves her numb for a moment. She's just feeling too much. She can't believe it. It's so wrong it's outright insulting. Some friends.

" It's funny how none of them even thought to ask." Penny says, not caring that it sounds bitter. She's very bitter. These people are supposed to be her friends. They're suppose to care about how she actually is, not how they want her to be.

" Amy convinced everyone not to tell you I thought you were traumatized. And trapped me with logic." Sheldon admitted." If you didn't show any of the concrete signs and I insisted you had experiencing post traumatic stress disorder when you had in fact survived the hostage situation unscathed, then you were likely to regress to your previous behavior once it was pointed out to you. I did not want to play a part in jeopardizing your recent success."

"Oh." Penny says, because she has nothing else to say to that.

Once in a blue moon Sheldon will say something almost painfully sweet to her only to ruin it within moments. She has no doubt this is one of those times. When nearly an entire minute goes by and Sheldon stays silent you could have knocked Penny over with a feather.

" Leonard spent the most time with me, and he thought I was fine." Penny ventures when the silence begins to grow oppressive.

Sheldon snorts." One would think that as the son of such a successful psychiatrist Leonard would be able to recognize trauma."

" How did you know?" Penny asks. The question has been driving her crazy, buzzing insistingly at the back of her head. She had a neurologist fooled, but Sheldon of all people had figured it out?

Sheldon frowned, " My brother had a hunting accident when we were younger. He shot an older man in the chest. He had to get surgery and he flat lined once. For a time my brother thought he'd killed him. He wasn't able to be around guns after. Quite the alignment when one lives in Texas, I assure you. It took him years of therapy to get better. Part of it was taking a first aid course, which sounded useful, so my mother signed us all up for it. If I did not love physics the way I do I think I would have been a medical doctor."

" Aren't you already a doctor like twice over or something?" Penny teased.

" Neither doctorate is an M.D." Sheldon corrected stiffly. As usual the joke went right over his head.

" Yeah, yeah Dr. Cooper. You still didn't answer the question." Like Penny would let that fly. She needed to know.

Sheldon scowled." I am not an expert in human interaction."

" Everyone who knows you, knows that, Dr. Whack-a-doodle." Penny affirmed." Now answer the question!"

Still frowning, Sheldon hedged," None the less I am able to interact with others to a certain extent. As my first female friend I have paid particular attention to your actions and character over the years." He stopped for a moment, meeting her eyes squarely." You had the same... disconnect as he did."

" Oh." Penny said again. And yet again, Sheldon had left her practically speechless. Was he trying to set a record or something?

" Of course the situation is not the same despite the similarities in your reactions. The man you shot made a full recovery and will spend a significant portion of his life in jail once the trial is over Penny." Sheldon said." And as you shot him in the arm, there was no reason for you to believe you killed him."

Penny froze. She didn't want to, but the words seemed to freeze the air in her lungs. She couldn't move.

" Penny?" Sheldon said, reaching over to touch her shoulder, "Are you alright? Are you having another panic attack"

" No." Penny breathed. She closed her eyes, remembering the gun in her hands, the steadiness with which she aimed. Pulling the trigger and knowing she would end his life.

" I'm a killer." She whispered. It hurt to admit, the words left her throat raw. But Sheldon already knew there was something wrong with her. He might as well find out what it was.

" When did you kill anyone?" Sheldon asked, confused.

" The guy!" Penny burst out. Frank Sherman, but she hadn't known that at the time. All she knew was that she was going to kill him." I aimed at his head, Sheldon! I was gonna blow his brains out!"

It feels like an someone dropped a boulder in her chest. The weight of that decision steals the air from her lungs. Drowns her in the sheer guilt of it. Deciding to end his life when she hadn't even known his name.

" But you did no such thing." Sheldon said. He was using his arrogant genius voice. The kind that highlighted that whatever he was saying was as obvious as a Broadway marquee." You did not kill him. Therefore you are not a killer. Penny, you are not a murdered of any kind."

For a moment the world stops. Ever since the incident, people have called her a hero. They've called her brave, and beautiful, and amazing. But no one has said those exact words. No one has released the heavy anchor of guilt weighing down her chest. It isn't even until she begins trembling that she realizes how very badly she needed to hear it said. How badly she needed to understand that. To have it made understood.

"Say it again." Penny demands.

And because Sheldon prefers to do things in three's she get's to hear it twice more.

" You are not a murderer." Sheldon repeats.

It's like magic. An incantation. Every word strips another layer of heavy emotion from her chest.

" You are not a murdered." Sheldon finishes.

She's not. And for the first time since she shot a man it feels like that's true. Like everything might be okay after all. Hope blooms in her chest.

" Thank you." Penny says. And she doesn't even specifically know whats she's thanking him for. She's just painfully grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the epilogue type thing is where I'm going to squeeze all the romance. Cuz apparently this wanted to be a mostly friendship fic above everything I guess... Hmm maybe I should do a confrontation chapter with the others before the epilogue? For more romance if nothing else...
> 
> So tell me what you think?


	6. Chapter 6

She gets therapy.

There's no arguing that she doesn't need it.

And that it doesn't help. It helps a lot.

Things with her friends are awful and awkward for a while. But Penny talks her way through the anger and resentment with her therapist, and things work out.

It helps that they mean well. If anything can be said for her friends, it's that. No matter how clueless they are, no matter how badly they screw up, they mean well. And she can't really hate them for wanting her to be okay enough to believe it.

Things don't go back to the way they were, Penny doesn't think they ever can. And they shouldn't. She's different now, she can't be the Penny she used to be, and they have to accept that. It takes them a while, none of them ever had an easy time of transitioning, but they do.

Even Leonard comes around quickly enough.

She thinks it helps that she has some awesome stage chemistry with her co-star from the show and they've started running lines together. Leonard has run into him on the stairs a few times and thinks she's replaced him with a taller, better looking model.

Some part of Leonard was always waiting for Penny to replace him.

So Penny doesn't tell him George is married and that she's been over to his house and had dinner with his lovely wife and kids. George isn't a terribly successful actor quite yet. But his wife is an architect and they have a lovely home and a simple happiness that Penny envies.

She wants that someday.

She's starting to think that she wants that with Sheldon actually, and the prospect still kind of blows her mind.

But he's always there. He's the person she calls when she needs someone to talk to. She's the one she depends on when the panic swells and she just needs someone to calm her down already, damn it! He still reminds her that she's not a killer on some schedule she's not too sure about.

It's actually really thoughtful and sweet. Words she still has trouble believing she's attributing to Sheldon.

But hey, the shoe fits.

Maybe it's because he's the only person she really interacts with outside of therapy and work for a few months, but Penny thinks he might feel the same. She's just not sure if Sheldon is aware of it though. They catch lunch together sometimes, and his previous Cheesecake factory Tuesday become Spaghetti night at her house.

It's like having a date night.

It's like having a boyfriend. A boyfriend that doesn't realize he's her boyfriend. But at this point Penny will take what she can get. Every little bit helps.

It's actually pretty remarkable how much Sheldon helps. Even her therapist agrees that Sheldon has been a keystone in her recovery. Not just because he'd suffered through the incident with Penny. But also because he'd been there for every major break through. Her first panic attack. Beginning to accept that there was a difference between what she thought happened, and the reality of the situation. Finding a therapist that she could actually work with...

He'd been there through it all. So he's the first person she calls when she finds out her pilot has been picked up. She make's him promise to come straight over after work and sets about making the best dinner she's ever made in her life. She pulls out all the stops. There's stake, lit candles, shade's drawn to assure dim lighting, and if Sheldon hadn't been due in five minutes she would have run to the flower shop for a rose to put in a vase.

It's her celebratory dinner. She can make it look anyway she wants.

Sheldon knocks his way through his little door ritual and when Penny opens the door she gapes, shocked.

Because there is a gorgeous bouquet of roses with her name on it, she just knows it, and wow, even for Sheldon acting the way he has been lately, this is clearly romance territory.

" You do know how romantic a dozen roses are supposed to be, right?" Penny asks, taking the flowers. If the implication has gone over his head, she is not going to be happy.

Sheldon smiles, small, hesitant, and ever so slightly hopeful. " I suppose if I ever managed to to be romantic to someone it would be you."

Penny beams, and can't hold back the query." And why's that?"

" You saved my life Penny. I owe you my existence. I will spend the rest of my life thanking you for that." Sheldon says and leans forward slowly, in what Penny is pretty sure is an attempt to kiss her.

She meets him halfway. Delighted. This is officially the best day she's ever had. Hands down.

The rest of his life, Penny thinks, kissing Sheldon's soft lips. She likes the sound of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I tried, but the confrontation chapter just didn't pan out. Hopefully this was a satisfying happy ending, I don't know. Please let me know?

**Author's Note:**

> So if you guys have read any of my stuff before, you've probably figured out I don't do angst well. It's become a Huge problem. Almost all my on-going fics are at a standstill because I can't get angst scenes right! Heeeeeeeelp! How do you get better at writing this stuff? I know practice and blah blah blah. That's why I'm trying to write this fic. This shit is supposed to be traumatic right? I could still really use any tips you guys have tho, fyi. I have no idea where I'm going with this, except that hopefully it'll be an angst bomb, cuz I really need to learn how to make them. Thanks for reading!


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